The Great American Game

 People always complain how baseball is boring, and despite that I love baseball, I wrote this. Seems like a stellar idea.

“It’s a sunny day here in Toto Park, located in the heart of Nebraska. If you’re tuning in, get ready for a great game between two real contenders for the pennant this year. We have Nebraska’s own, the Silver Sickles, against the visitors, all the way from Alaska, the Anchorage Ice Blocks. It should be a fine day of baseball, a fine day indeed. I’m Jim Johnson and I’m sitting alongside my partner, Hank Henderson.”

“Hey there, Jim. Today will be a great game between two teams that have been playing very well lately. How about you start, Jim? Tell the fans out there the special circumstances of today’s game. It’s a real whammy.”

JJ: If you’ll been following this season you know there’s been a handful of changes to baseball. No game’s the same and no game is safe and the people love it! First of all, today they’ll be no pitchers and the batters will be hitting off tees, so get ready for a lot of great hitting. Ever since the mound was heightened by three feet the pitchers have had the advantage, so today will even things out a bit.

HH: A lot of great hitting, that’s for sure. Don’t think it will be too easy for the batters, though. Hitting off a tee is a lot different from hitting a pitch. Usually the ball’s moving and now it’s not, so the batters have to make a huge adjustment. How about the specials in this game, Jim?”

JJ: Well today we have the fan favorite, Bases Loaded Throw a Glass Bottle special. Teams better prevent a bases loaded situation, because every fan is loaded with a dozen glass bottles each. Once the bases are loaded, all those bottles will be thrown into the field, preferably at the players. We’ve got 40,000 fans here today, so that’s a lot of glass bottles. Of course the fans in the bleacher seats won’t be able to hit the field from their seats, so expect a lot of glass through the stadium today.

HH: From that glass alone, Jim, what’s the Death Rating today?

JJ: Funny that you asked, Hank. For players the Death Rating is about 2.2%. That’s just concerning glass bottles, don’t forget, so don’t fret over the low death expectancies. Players will die and fans will cheer. For fans it’s a bit higher. 6.6%. There’s a lot of glass and a lot of beer in this stadium, so expect some bloodshed. Expect a handful of brutal deaths in the seats today. Today the bases have also been replaced with bear traps, so players have to watch where they’re stepping.

HH: Now how powerful are these bear traps?

JJ: Well they’re made for bears, so pretty powerful, Hank. If a player forgets and steps into a trap, expect a severed foot, some screaming, and a fair amount of blood.

HH: That’s what you call a base-running error!

JJ: Sure is, Hank, sure is, but that’s not all. Players really have to mind the walls today, because it’s lined with C4 explosives. The slightest pressure will detonate an explosion powerful enough to kill anyone within a ten foot radius. It’s all about awareness today, awareness and death. Both teams need to be ready.

HH: So let’s get this game started.

--Beginning of the 2nd

JJ: We saw a pretty exciting first inning. Hitters really teed off on those tees. Score’s 10-7 now, with Jingle Jones up to bat. He has the same initials as me, Hank, you see that?

HH: I see that, Jim, I sure do. Looks like the first swing is on the way, and oh my god, looks like we have a glass bat! Installed last season, occasionally a player brings to a home plate a bat that feels and looks wooden. It’s glass, though, and it shatters on impact, into hundreds of jagged shards. That’s a painful way to end the game, Jim.

JJ: That’s a lot of blood, Hank. Looks like Jingle Jones got some of that glass in his face and eyes. That bat sure did shatter. The catcher’s on the ground, too. They’re rolling around in all that blood.

HH: No one’s dead, though, not yet. Blinded, maybe, but not dead. Well that’s an official out in the books since Jones won’t be seeing anytime soon. Just remember, fans, a team receives a point for each gallon of blood they spill, so self sacrifice is key here. Bleed to win, as they say. Jingle Jones will be smiling tomorrow for all that blood of his covering home plate.

JJ: That’s if he survives, Hank. And you have to remember that some of that glass is currently imbedded in the catcher’s face. That blood gives the Ice Blocks some motivation. Double Decker Bloodsheds are in play today, as are Bloodfeuds, so we may see a duel in the next few innings.

HH: Today’s duel weapon is the katana, brought to you by Saint Peter’s Deadly Instruments of Death.

--Top of the 4th

JJ: Still no deaths, but how about last inning? Rexy Vito, the first baseman for the Silver Sickles, ran right into the second base bear trap. I could hear his screams from here.

HH: You sure could, Jim. I haven’t heard a player scream like that since George Anderson was impaled by the lance thrown by the Kentucky Knight’s mascot. Oh, what’s this, looks like Clyve, for the Ice Blocks, hit a deep liner and he’s trying for three, but wow, sweet Jesus, Jim, did you just see that!

JJ: A guest umpire! Who is that? Is that Bran Jacobs, the mixed martial artist, because he just spun-kicked Clyve right in the face, right in his mouth. Let’s see that in slow motion. Look here, the guest umpire threw off his hat, jumped into the field of play, and kicked Clyve hard enough to bring the stretcher out. I wasn’t expecting that. I think his neck might be snapped. I think he’s dead.

HH: We can only hope, but these players must be ready for guest umpires. You just can’t feel safe out there. That’s not the name of the game.

JJ: Not at all.

--Bottom of the 7th

JJ: We have a score of 28-26 right now. Only one explosion, sadly, and it mostly just took out a section of the fans. I hope there wasn’t any children.

HH: You have to blame the parents for that one, Jim. You never know when the walls will be lined with C4. One out in the 7th and two players on base, just one more and the glass bottles can start being thrown.

JJ: I’m hoping for it, I really am, but wait, it looks like the iron gates are raising.

HH: You don’t think, really, an Unleashment?

JJ: Wolves, Hank, a whole bunch of ravenous wolves are running onto the field! This will surely increase the Death Rating of players. It’s going off the charts, a 38.2%! Jesus, look at those wolves, they’re monstrous! They haven’t been fed for days and all they want is blood! Blood!

HH: And here come the dugouts. Everyone’s racing out. An Unleashment is a huge opportunity for points from Double Decker Bloodsheds and Mortal Strikes on Beasts. Each wolf execution is worth one point, and here come the Ice Blocks with bats, but those wolves are quick, aren’t they Jim?

JJ: Steve Sanderson just had his throat ripped out, I think. Yep, he’s convulsing. That’s about a gallon of blood right there! And what’s this, we have a Bloodfeud in the middle of the wolves. I can’t see their numbers. There’s just too much blood, but they sure are swinging those katanas with the utmost desire to kill.

HH: Someone’s gonna die, Jim. Someone’s gonna die.

JJ: There he goes. That sword pierced him like a knife through butter. Ten points to the Ice Blocks for Murder Via Duel.

HH: Wait, wait, Jim, those two duelers were on the same team! We have a Murderous Betrayal! I haven’t seen one of those since the Pitchfork Fight of 2020 or the Tornado Sushi Battle of 2026.

JJ: Uh oh, Hank, those wolves are getting awfully close to the wall. Get ready for the C4! Here it comes! Wow, that’s a lot of fire! Those corpses are flying through the air. I can’t even keep track of points.

HH: Gallons of blood. Look on the third base line, look at that. The Ice Blocks mascot, Mr. Ice Block, is getting ripped apart by three wolves. They’re tearing through his costume with ease, aren’t they? Oh gosh, there goes his arm.

JJ: This is America, Hank. This is what it means to be American. God, I love baseball, I just love it so much I want to cry.

HH: This looks like the end of the game, folks. You’ll have to tune in later for the end score, once all the corpses are tallied and the blood is properly measured in the Think Tank. There’s a lot of bodies to count, wolves and players, and a lot of instant replay to view.

JJ: But don’t forget to tune in tomorrow. We’ve got balls wrapped in barbed wire and the outfield full of trap holes. We have even have the classic Brick Bomber Flyover, and you know what that means. It should be a great game.

HH: See you next time, folks.