Footnote.

 Before reading Footnote, watch me play piano. This is probably my favorite original song to play. I hope you enjoy it, and Footnote.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1pKDFs25jU

Footnote

A turkey once choked on a nickel and died.[1]

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[1] The nickel was minted in the year 1892. ²

² The year 1892 preceded the year 1893, and all years following 1893. This year also marked the birth of Sir Isaac Edwards, inventor of the pillowcase. ³

³ The pillowcase is one of the most widely used and comforting inventions known to man. The pillowcase, according to The Pillowcase Emporium and Scholars of Casings of Pillows of the North Atlantic Ridge and Southern Boreal Shelf, can be found in North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Australia, India, Antarctica, and all but one of the Galapagos Islands. ⁴

⁴ The pillowcaseless Galapagos Island is known as Fig, not to be confused with the consumable: fig. Fig, what the natives call Fi (Foo) for short, is home to many rare breeds of parrots that instinctively hate, fear, and attempt to breed with all pillowcases. Hence the lack of pillowcases. ⁵

⁵ It is worth mentioning that Fig (Fi)(Foo)), not figs, is an active volcano and is consequently subject to erupt sometime in the next four years, which, consequently, will kill the parrots and possibly the human inhabitants of Fig (Fi)(Foo)). ⁶

⁶ A recent article, “The Volcanoes Within Us,” speaks widely on the possibility that figs, not Fig (Fi)(Foo)), are in fact miniature volcanoes that much of the world population consumes daily. This could soon escalate into a pandemic of which none will survive. ⁷

⁷ Due to this threat, a new term, Deathdemic, has been recently introduced by Medical Weekly. A Deathdemic is of the ‘demic lineage,’ closely related to the pan and epi demics, but deserving of far more fear and begrudging consideration. Deathdemics leave no survivors. No such Deathdemic has ever been recorded and likely never will, as it will surely kill all who attempt to record it and leave no survivors to later read evidence of why the world has perished. Deathdemics may begin slowly, or quickly, or just steadily progress. There may be no signs of Deathdemics, or, in a Deathdemic case such as figs being miniature volcanoes, one may notice their neighbors and loved ones exploding and lava spewing out of their mouths and other cavities. If one notices such an occasion, immediately contact an official, even if the Deathdemic has already begun and is soon to ravish the world. Once begun, a Deathdemic cannot be stopped, halted, slowed, contained, or confused. A Deathdemic always travels south, but will at times also travel west, east, and north, depending on wind conditions and global rain patterns. It is unknown why Deathdemics only travel south, as one has never been studied and surely never successfully will, due to the 100% mortality rate. ⁸

⁸ The mortality rate was coined a legal term in 1880 by Francis O’Neil, Irish baker of fine pastries and streusels. The mortality rate originally charted at what rate people were immortal and mortal. O’Neil’s dissertation, “The Rate at which People are Immortal and Mortal,” claimed that 35% was an above average immortality rate, but nowhere near the record immortality rate of 72.983%. ⁹

⁹ The world record immortality rate is currently held by Ned Crosby, a window washer in the city of Seattle, Washington. ¹⁰

¹⁰ It is estimated that in the year of 2019, Seattle, Washington will no longer be a city, but a district of the District of Dallas of the District of Montpelier of the District of Kalamazoo of the District of Colombia. Government power will reach to the corners and centers of the United States of America of the District of Canada of the District of Quebec primarily due to size constraints and an excess of crime in the District of Colombia. Crime, escalating to a new high not seen since the 1770’s, will engulf the District of Colombia until it seems that life will surely end. ¹¹

¹¹ This threat to life will not be the direct or indirect result of a Deathdemic. ¹²

¹² In fact, Technological Singularity will end human life. ¹³

¹³ Please refer to previous readings for further information on Technological Singularity.