And all my uphill clawing

“Don't say anything yet, I wanna go first, seeing as how I brought the ferris wheel”

This blog is mostly for me, I think. Even if ten-thousand people read this, maybe a few would recognize the above quote. It’s from Everwood, possibly the most underrated show. It’s from the last episode, which brought me to tears. Love stories—good love stories, real love stories—get to me.

The following quote is also from Everwood. I find it all too true. Even essential for us as people.

“The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.
When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.”

Writing stems from emotion. Happiness, grief, joy, misery, pleasure, pain, hate, love. Writing feeds off our emotion, and we feed off our writing. The words become everything, a life of their own, and for a moment, or hours, everything is good. We sit awake late at night writing and thinking, knowing we should sleep. Sleep to forget, some nights. To escape, some nights. To heal, some nights. Or to just rest, to just sleep. Tonight’s one of those nights that I’d like to sleep for many reasons, but like too many others nights, I find myself lying in darkness, the only light being that of my laptop. It’s set to dim, the light almost gray. It’s probably bad for my eyes, but I’ve always been a night person.

I’ve been listening to the same song for hours now, and that's what this blog is about. A song. This isn’t the first night I’ve done it, and it will likely not be the last. I’ve listened to this song hundreds of times. It’s become deeply imbedded in my life, a part of me more than almost anything else.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFzEZ3fG1Nc

This is the song, but it’s not just a song. It’s the most beautiful piece of artwork to ever exist. I’ve seen John Martin—my favorite artist—paintings across the world, and I’ve read hundreds of books, poems, and other forms of media. I’ve seen beautiful television and movies, and I listen to more music than anyone I know. I compose. I create. I observe. This song stands high above everything else I’ve ever experienced. It’s, in many ways, my savior and saving grace. I’m not a religious man, but I am highly spiritual. I believe this song was written to help me through those times when everything else doesn’t help, when I’m confused or lost or hurt, and even happy. When, for once, just once, I would like life to lend me a hand.

I’m trying here. I’m really trying.  

For those who know me well, and who hung with me last summer, they know that I pretty much vanished for awhile and became someone I disliked. I was depressed, which I never am, and I let life drag me down much to my regret. I drank too much too often. I was dumb, weak, stupid, and I’ll never go there again. Life fucked me rather hard, partially due to my own desires and me being too trusting in others, believing we all want the same thing, believing that people are genuinely good when that's so rarely true. I've become less trusting, more guarded if you can believe that, and now I...wait. Waiting is easy when you know you won’t wait forever. It’s easy when you know you’re waiting for the right reasons.

Everything happens for a reason. That’s been said thousands of times, and the more time that passes, the more I experience from life, the more things that are thrown at me and keep knocking me down, the more I believe it. Everything does happen for a reason, and maybe, someday, life just clicks and is good, the way you’ve always wanted it to be. It just takes time, and patience, and belief, and trust, and something to help you along the way. If you’re reading this, someone, and you got this far, I hope you listened to the song. I know it won’t affect everyone the same way, and it will likely touch no one like it’s touched me, but I’ve never known a fan of music to simply dismiss it. Maybe I'm helping someone by sharing it here. That's a pleasant thought.

The song goes beyond words, to feeling, to something you know and feel deep inside and cannot express with mere words. Me, a writer, admitting that words sometimes cannot explain everything. Then again, I can’t seem to explain any of the things most important to me.