So I want to open a bar combining two of my favorite things. Alcohol—mostly the consumption of it—and novels—not so much the consumption of them, unless in a metaphysical sense.
The name came to me in a dream, and by a dream I mean I was chatting on Facebook and decided I needed to open a bar entitled Hot Dickings. From there Charles Dickens immediately came to mind, and being an adulterous fan of puns, Hot Dickings was raised from the ashes just like Jesus when he rode the phoenix to defeat Paul and Peter. I am a biblical scholar in my spare time, of which I have none of.
I also enjoy futuristic themes, so the bar will be full of Dyson fans. For those unfamiliar with such fans…http://www.dyson.com/fans/ They are divine and I plan to spend hundreds of thousands on them alone, so that the entire bar is filled with Dyson fans. This includes Dyson ceiling fans, which are not yet invented but will be to suit my needs. Thank you Dyson.
Now to the bar themes.
Of course I’ll need A Tale of Two Cities theme, as it’s one of my favorites.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way…
Is there a better opening paragraph to any novel? (I left the rest of the paragraph out because it’s not as stellar) The answer is no. Otherwise why would I ask myself or you, beloved reader, that question? I will create some sort of dichotomized room, or rooms, that represents the above passage in all ways. There will be the good and bad, darkness and light, winter and spring, heaven and hell! And it will be awesome and extremely expensive to maintain. Please attend my bar once it opens. I need you, beloved reader.
Great Expectations. I’m not sure what to do here, so suggestions are needed. I’m thinking multiple Pips, the young and the old, dressed to character and style at the time, harping about the value of money and hard work and love. I think I need to read this novel again, once I find the time. Either way, the Pips will be horribly annoying and often rash in their decision making. Please do not take offense.
The Oliver Twist theme will focus on the horrible conditions of child labor and the abysmal life of criminals and undertakers. This is sure to be a hit with the ladies and I personally suggest it for dates and even bridal parties. There is nothing more romantic than starving children and workhouses. Please use protection if arousal grows too strong.
Of course I cannot forget A Christmas Carol! This is rather self explanatory. There will be Christmas. There will be ghosts. There will be an angry old man who can time travel. There will be another old man, happier this time, throwing coins at people.
That’s all I have at the moment, but with these ideas alone the bar seems like an instant and sure success. I’ll probably need a few more themes, but this is an excellent start.
Also, we will have a specialty drink called the Hot Dickings. I’m not yet sure of the contents, but whatever it is, it will be on fire.
No comments:
Post a Comment